Insomnia and Heartbreak

Well, here I am at 4:15am, blogging about the lack of sleep I seem to be dealing with. I don't know what it is, but my sleep schedule is all thrown off. Worry, about what I can't control. Anxiety, about what the future has to hold. My weight gain probably has a lot to do with it but I don't know where I have gained so much. I really don't eat that much and frankly all I do is worry anymore. I worry about my girls. I worry about my boys a lot!!! I have been labeled the "terrible mother" because I haven't seen my boys much over the last few years and that in itself is wholly depressing. I love Christian and Matthew sooo much and I wish I could see them every minute of everyday and it hurts to know that while I am here in Austin, I can't see them hardly at all because of the distance. I am getting them for a few weeks during the summer time, but that isn't enough time! They need to know that MOMMY is always there for them, even if I am 5 hours away. I hate the fact that my idiot of an ex-husband is raising them with cussing and zombies and general assholeness around them all the time. The only time I feel they are safe is when they are at my ex-mother-in-law's house and that is not much lately. When Tim(ex) and I sent them to his mom's house, they were only suppose to be there for a few weeks...well that turned into a few years too quick. I wasn't the only one making mistakes along the way, yet I am blamed for "abandoning" them, when what I did was get them out a terrible situation. I wish things were different and I had them instead of him, but all I can do now is mend the relationship that I have with them now and hope for the best in the future. My boys are still a part of my world and are always in my thoughts and in my heart. They actually have the biggest part of my heart since I can't be with them all the time :(.

*Christian, You are my firstborn child and you taught me so much. I miss you everyday and wish I could attend every single one of your soccer games and all of your Karate matches. I cried the first day you went to Kindergarten, because I could not be there to take you. You have grown up soo much in the past few years and I have missed all of it and that kills me to the core. Please never forget how much your Mommy loves you! I did not have you just to give you over to some guy that isn't your real dad and bail. You will always be my baby and I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I love you... Mommy

*Matthew, I love you sweetie. I know deep down you know that, apart from what your dad and his girlfriend probably have been telling you. I hurt for everyday that I have missed seeing you grow up from a toddler to a pre-schooler. I am soo proud of you for playing soccer and doing good at pre-school. I know that you have had some health problems and I should have been there for you, in the hospital by your side, but I wasn't and that kills me daily. Please never forget that I am your Mommy and that I love you dearly. You are on my mind everyday and I long for the day we can be together and have a closer relationship. I love you sweetie...Mommy


I cry everyday for the children that are mine but I do not have. Maybe that is a real reason behind my insomnia and anxiety issues. I feel that my boys were robbed of having their real mother and that it's unfair for my girls to have me and not the boys. I love all of my children and will rejoice the day I have them all with me.

*crying

SG

The Marriage, Move, and Children

It has been quite a few months around here...

First off, Maddy and I got married on February 26th, 2010 at Roseland Plantation in Tyler,Texas and it was an absolutely gorgeous, small and intimate wedding. We had close family and friends attend, had wonderful flowers and a delicious cake. To make it all seem even better, It was RAINING that day!!! I hope that what they say is true..."Rain on a wedding day is a sign of good luck!" :)

My mother, Vicki, walked me down the isle and gave me away to the man I love sooo dearly!!! Sierra was my flower girl and she was soo precious (i'll post pics of her later). My cousin Kymberley was my maid of honor and my cousin Sara was my other bridesmaid. Maddy's best man was Preetesh from Austin and he is an awesome friend to both of us! We had a very peaceful wedding that had wonderful champagne afterwards as well. The honeymoon night was spent at the Bed and Breakfast and it was an amazing experience to be able to stay the night in such an East Texas Treasure. Next time I will drag him to Stag Leap in Nachodoches and see how he likes that.

Now, we will move on to The Move into the new apartment. Oh boy, was that fun. Trying to move everything we owned from a 3rd floor apartment into a UHAUL *More importantly it was Maddy and 2 friends that were moving since my ankle looked like this ------------------------------>

I rolled my ankle the day before we started to move all of the heavy stuff and I got to lounge around in the UHAUL for a while since I couldn't go upstairs. Anyways, we finally got everything from the apartment and moved it over to the new apartment and I had the wonderfully joyous task of trying to unpack everything with 2 small and very screamy children underneath me. It took me quite a while to get everything unpacked and in its place and honestly the only room we don't have finished is our bedroom because frankly NOONE ever goes in there lol. But it is a continuous work in progress and will eventually get done...I hope.

And now for the cou-de-gras...What i know everyone is wondering about....THE GIRLS!!!!!

The girls are both doing very very well. The both just went to the doctor for their shots and they love to play together now that Morgan is more "active" lol. Maddy is still such a good daddy with the girls, sometimes it seems as if they enjoy him more than me (probably because he is at work most of the time, so they cherish the time they have with him). I can not believe that my girls are getting so big and they will soon be returning to day care and gaining in their education a bit more. Now for the individual reports.

Hmmm...Let's see..what can I write about his adorable little girl other than the fact that she is soooo cute!!! Ah ha, but don't let that whimsical smile fool you ladies and gentlemen, behind all of that, there is a master of deception at play. Tempter tantrums and bouts of anger (hmm wonder where she gets it from lol) can erupt at any given moment with no warning.

But no seriously, she is very smart and loves going to school. She even knows a few words in sign language!!! She is having so much fun playing with her little sister and she can't wait to get back to school. Sierra now weighs a good 30 lbs and is 33? inches tall!!! I can not believe that she is almost 2!!!! Freakin 2!!!! I remember when she was in the hospital from being preemie and she wouldn't gain weight! Now look at her...Mama's little sack of potatoes!!!!

Now there is little miss Morgan Lynn!!! I think this picture just about sums up how she is doing. lol. She is all SMILES...all day long!!! She is talking (babbling) and laughing at Sierra! She weighs 15 lbs and I recently changed her bottle to the Dr. Brown bottles and put her on a different formula for spit up, since that's was all she knew how to do for a while. Now she is gaining weight and eating like a little monster. We are going to get her back in day care soon so she can learn to crawl around the floor with all the other little babies! She can roll around all day long but she has no interest in being on her stomach. I guess there is just so much more to see from laying on your back lol. She is currently in love with Sierra's old bouncer toy. Its a blue horse on bungee cords in its own frame and she just goes to town in it. I will have to get a video later and show it to you guys!

I am sooo excited that life seems to be going so well for me lately! I hope that everyone out there will pray for me and my family as in Feb 2011, we will be trying to conceive a boy, hopefully :)

Please continue to follow and I promise to update more often now, since I have so much free time on my hands.

SG

New Life, New Blog

hello all!!!

Since Maddi and I will be starting a new life together soon I thought it would be a great idea to start a blog to list trials/achievements/milestones of our relationship! Maddy is absolutely in love with Sierra and Morgan and we are doing excellent, more than excellent really, as a couple and I can't wait until we finally get married! February 19th seems soo far away right now to me. Good thing there isn't much to plan for that wedding but once I get that one out of the way, the BIG WEDDING is going to be a blast!!!!

Morgan is doing well, she is 4 months now and is eating like a little pig! I took her to the dr recently and she had her 4 months shots (poor baby) and is discovering her feet and toes and loving the new day care she is at. Maddy plays with her everyday and cuddles her allllll the time. Morgan could not ask for a better daddy :).

Sierra is 18 months now and is RUNNING everywhere!!! It may have taken her a while to learn her motor skills and what not but OMG she is on a roll now. For some strange reason she has her own little language. Its almost like babbling but not quite! Maybe between learning English and Hindi we have confused her even more lol. She is having a blast at the day care as well and making a lot of new friends. I can't wait to see her when she grows up cause if her personality is anything like it is right now, Oh Boy am I in for it! lol She has taken well to Maddi as well and calls him "dada" but she use to call me that as well lol.

This is actually pretty good for my first post on here lol. Please feel free to comment and I will be updating regularly!!!!