Insomnia and Heartbreak

Well, here I am at 4:15am, blogging about the lack of sleep I seem to be dealing with. I don't know what it is, but my sleep schedule is all thrown off. Worry, about what I can't control. Anxiety, about what the future has to hold. My weight gain probably has a lot to do with it but I don't know where I have gained so much. I really don't eat that much and frankly all I do is worry anymore. I worry about my girls. I worry about my boys a lot!!! I have been labeled the "terrible mother" because I haven't seen my boys much over the last few years and that in itself is wholly depressing. I love Christian and Matthew sooo much and I wish I could see them every minute of everyday and it hurts to know that while I am here in Austin, I can't see them hardly at all because of the distance. I am getting them for a few weeks during the summer time, but that isn't enough time! They need to know that MOMMY is always there for them, even if I am 5 hours away. I hate the fact that my idiot of an ex-husband is raising them with cussing and zombies and general assholeness around them all the time. The only time I feel they are safe is when they are at my ex-mother-in-law's house and that is not much lately. When Tim(ex) and I sent them to his mom's house, they were only suppose to be there for a few weeks...well that turned into a few years too quick. I wasn't the only one making mistakes along the way, yet I am blamed for "abandoning" them, when what I did was get them out a terrible situation. I wish things were different and I had them instead of him, but all I can do now is mend the relationship that I have with them now and hope for the best in the future. My boys are still a part of my world and are always in my thoughts and in my heart. They actually have the biggest part of my heart since I can't be with them all the time :(.

*Christian, You are my firstborn child and you taught me so much. I miss you everyday and wish I could attend every single one of your soccer games and all of your Karate matches. I cried the first day you went to Kindergarten, because I could not be there to take you. You have grown up soo much in the past few years and I have missed all of it and that kills me to the core. Please never forget how much your Mommy loves you! I did not have you just to give you over to some guy that isn't your real dad and bail. You will always be my baby and I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I love you... Mommy

*Matthew, I love you sweetie. I know deep down you know that, apart from what your dad and his girlfriend probably have been telling you. I hurt for everyday that I have missed seeing you grow up from a toddler to a pre-schooler. I am soo proud of you for playing soccer and doing good at pre-school. I know that you have had some health problems and I should have been there for you, in the hospital by your side, but I wasn't and that kills me daily. Please never forget that I am your Mommy and that I love you dearly. You are on my mind everyday and I long for the day we can be together and have a closer relationship. I love you sweetie...Mommy


I cry everyday for the children that are mine but I do not have. Maybe that is a real reason behind my insomnia and anxiety issues. I feel that my boys were robbed of having their real mother and that it's unfair for my girls to have me and not the boys. I love all of my children and will rejoice the day I have them all with me.

*crying

SG